September 21, 2013
Oh words. I have so many. Sometimes I feel that the only way I can truly convey what I mean is by writing them down. I don’t feel like I’m really praying unless words are scrawled across my journal. I have to write everything down. There is no apology for leaving these pages dormant for so long. Life has been busy, but I feel right now that if I don’t get things written down and out of my brain it might explode. So if you’re interested in my personal therapy session by all means follow along.
Thinking back over the last few months, it was mid June when I wrapped my mind around the idea that we would be waiting for a long time for a placement. That was a Monday and on Tuesday we heard from our agency that a young expectant birthmom wanted to meet us. It was such an exciting shock! Due to our scheduled vacation and our agency being swamped we couldn’t meet her for almost 2 weeks. At that time we told our immediate family (moms, dads, and siblings) and a few close friends. We were guarded, excited about the possibility, but couldn’t let ourselves get excited. I literally mean couldn’t. I knew what could happen, but it didn’t feel real nor did it feel like it was happening to us.
We went on our vacation, which was amazing. Seriously, we love Western Michigan. At the age of 27 I do believe we found our vacation place. Everything was perfect and you all should visit South Haven sometime. Moving on…
We met her. I’m tired of writing birthmom or her, so let’s call her Eloise (which was one of the middle names we debated for Jane). We met Eloise, and she is amazing. Justin wrote about how much his heart has changed for Birthparents in an earlier post, but until you meet someone or you yourself are doing research about open adoption, I just don’t think you can understand how we feel. She made a huge sacrificial choice to carry this beautiful baby. (As I write this I cannot even convey how much I admire her). She’s completely selfless. That’s just a description of what she’s doing, not who she is. Eloise is so very smart, honest, caring, the list can go on. As I write this, do I even know her?
I know what choice you’re making. I don’t know what you’re going through, but I’m trying to read books that’ll help me better understand. I do know you’re smart. I know that you listen to great music and are really easy to talk to. I know you’re honest and aren’t scared to talk about difficult things. I know you value your family and the time your mom spent with you when you were growing up. You have a wonderful mom and step-dad that support you. I don’t know much else. That’s ok. We’ve only known each other for a short time, and while we don’t know how our relationship will look completely, we have time to figure it out.
At that first meeting, Eloise invited me to her Dr.’s appointment the following week. Through infertility I grieved many things that I would never experience. Yet, Eloise gave me the chance to experience one that I didn’t think I could. I was with her and her mom as we found out if little baby Martin would be a girl or a boy. It still felt a little surreal, but the technician really made it special; it was such an honor to be there. After that we picked up some pink and purple M&Ms to make gender reveal cookies. We had about 25 people over to share in the excitement with us. That felt good.
Those two meetings happened during the beginning of July, and we didn’t get to see Eloise again until the middle of August. During our first meeting we decided to contact each other directly and we currently communicate via text messages. In August we met for dinner and had a wonderful time visiting with her, her mom and step-dad. After dinner we went for coffee/tea and visited even more. I learned then that we could talk through difficult subjects. We talked all about our expectations and her expectations. We learned even more how much we liked Eloise. If God had brought us together in a different way somehow, we would be friends. Now we have a very different relationship to try to figure out. I left that night not knowing how the next years would look, but knowing that we’d figure it out. I don’t know what Jane will call Eloise, but we’ll figure it out (I hope she [Jane] figures it out and it’s super cute)!
And now I’m here. I’m a little worried and fearful. To be honest I probably never left the parking lot of worried and fearful. I don’t know how things will look come November 24th-ish. It’s really hard to write my fears. It’s hard because my fears, of course, jump to the worst. They jump to Eloise deciding to parent and us going back to the waiting… I’m scared of the waiting and I’m also scared of the next heartache. But at the same time, I’m none of those things. As Justin told me, the staff changes at Bethany didn’t surprise God. The fact that Jane is a life, as unexpected as she is, also didn’t surprise Him. Yes, I’m scared and fearful, but I’m also trusting. For what’s going on and how I think I should feel, I have this indescribable feeling of peace. God is good, and it will be ok.
That was Thursday.
Yesterday we had hard news. We heard from our agency that Eloise has decided not to continue working with Bethany or with us. We cried a lot. It’s going to be ok, but I miss knowing that Jane was to come home in November. It’s hard to think that we have to tell everyone. I know that so many people will pray for us, but it’s still hard.
For what’s going on and how I think I should feel, I have this indescribable feeling of peace. God is good, and it will be ok.